Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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