I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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