KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize