I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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