Swine flu. Run for my life!
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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