my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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