Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
