I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last night I used snow as a chaser
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
