Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
