Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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