When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
