You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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