I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
