Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
