I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
