Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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