what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
