there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
