I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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