I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
