3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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