you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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