He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
