any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
