we have officially lost it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
