im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
