i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
