I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
