Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
