I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize