did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
