Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
