if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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