Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize