so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize