Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
