I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
