I think I am morally bankrupt
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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