Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize