Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
