I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
