I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize