I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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