totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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