i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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