I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
