i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
