I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
