turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
