Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
