Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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