if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
