She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
