No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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