omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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