It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
