Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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