I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
3pm strippers are depressing
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
