he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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