Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
