the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
